Memoirs of an Otaku

Dear Diary

July 02 2069

I haven't updated in a couple of months. I guess I've been happy with Irish and all, but… well. That's over now. He was always looking at other women, talking about other women, and I couldn't take it. I went ballistic at him. I guess I really hurt him, because he took his stuff and left. Guess I'll be updating a lot more for a while.

April 14 2069

It's been a while, again, since I wrote here and I guess I just haven't had much to write about. Work has been slow, and nothing major has happened in my personal life either, until the last couple of days. Irish came over to my place, and finally, finally we kissed! And we kissed and we kissed. I won't go into the gory details, but it was nice.

Since then, he's taken me out on a date and he sent me roses. He's so sweet. We still haven't… well, we're taking things slowly in that regard.

March 23 2069

I haven't written in a while! Life has been pretty busy lately. I finally reached the breakthrough I needed for my Daemon, finally given the thought form. I called him Xerxes, and I hope he'll be a good companion. I've also hit it off with irish recently. I think I might have laid it on a little thick, though, and put him off, so I'll have to be cool for now. Johny was really hurt, Ally and Kass were hurt too… but, I'm trying not to think too much about that. The'll be fine, soon.

March 04 2069

Killing is a terrible thing, and it is never the good thing to do, but sometimes it is the correct thing to do. I think I understand that, now. I doubt the Nightmares will go away so easily, but at least now I can go back to sleep after they wake me up. At least now I have the energy to get out of bed in the morning, to shower, to eat, to look after myself.

And I think I need my gun back.

March 02 2069

I slept a little last night… I woke up a couple of times, from the nightmares. But I managed to get a few hours, once I took some sleeping tablets. I sat there in the bathroom, looking at the bottle… and I wanted to eat them all. But I thought to myself- Who does that help? No one. And there would be people who would cry for me, and I didn't want to hurt anyone like that. So, I didn't.

I went out for a meal yesterday with everyone, and they helped me… come to terms with it I guess. Or at least hate myself a little bit less.

I decided to throw the rest of the sleeping pills in the trash this morning.

March 01 2069

Everyone came over… talked about… the thing. Maybe… maybe… I'm not evil… I don't know. How can this be the right thing to do if it makes you feel so… bad? How can killing be OK? How can what we are doing be OK if we have to kill other humans to do it…?

I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

Feb 28 2069

I killed someone today. I killed three people today.

They were bad people, I was told. They killed non-humans for sport. For fun. And so, I killed them. I- I don't know… I don't know what to do. I want to believe what I did was just, it was… punishment. But who am I to decide who gets to live, and who gets to die?

His… His friend cried. When I killed the first one, his friend broke down and cried. Even these people, who were supposed to be evil, had friends, They had people who care about them enough to fight, and to die for them. I don't… I don't ever want to do anything like that again. I don't want to go outside, I don't want to move. I haven't even eaten today, I just… I feel like I barely deserve to life right now. No- that I don't deserve to live. Not any more than the people I killed. I can't get their images out of my mind.

I won't sleep tonight. I don't know if I'll ever sleep again.

Feb 25 2069

Hangover. Sleeing in.

Feb 24 2069

Mardi gras! I got myself a costume together, pretty simple as costumes go, but it's still cute. And I decided to go to the party Lilith was throwing. I had a couple of shots of irish courage before I left, and it's a good job. i was so embarassed! On the way there, I flashed a couple of guys on the bus for some beads. I almost died, I swear, my face was so red. And then it happened again inside. I'm so embarassed to even be writing this! I can't believe it.

But, the party got pretty weird pretty fast. Some troll was shoving beads up her rear. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at Irish the same way again.

A shame too, he's kinda cute.

Feb 23 2069

I had another weird dream last night. More of the same. I'm sure they're someone elses memories, maybe that thing was an ancient magical SimRig or something.

Feb 22 2069

I had a weird dream last night, Like I was someone else. I didn't get most of it, it was… strange. Mostly incoherent, I just remember random little bits of someone elses life it seems. I remember… a field, and another point, some people in weird clothes. I don't remember any faces, but there were some sounds, maybe a language I don't know.

Weird shit.

I helped Kass save some kid today. I don't know the whole situation but it seemed like his mom was trying to shrot change the guy responsible for the kid's life. Reminds me of dad.

Feb 21 2069

Weird shit today. Went to help out with some Watchers stuff. Well, we had to find this focus that should never have even existed in an old indian burial ground or something. Eveything went pretty smoothly, aside from some old half blind coot shooting at us, and the fact everyone there were racist, sexist assholes. Until Annie found the focus- It lew up, gave me the sickest headache you've ever known. But the really weird thing is, it flooded my mind with all these images, like some fucked up SimChip or something.

I barely remember any of them, now.

Feb 15 2069

I went to a valentines party last night, and I met a cute guy. He calls himself Irish, and he's a decker, too. We were getting on pretty good, but then Johan barged in and scared him off.

I just wish he could see me as a woman, like all the other women n the team, rather than like some little kid.

Feb 14 2069

Valentines day, and me without a valentine. Maybe I should buy myself some chocolates instead.

Feb 13 2069

I haven't updated for a few days,. I've been busy setting up furniature and decorations in my new apartment! It's enormous, Johan paid for it… I really, really can't believe it. It's more than i could ever have hoped for. I feel like I just found out I've always been a princess and I suddenly have a castle, compared to living in the Warrens, and even the Cottonwood, this is incredible.

On another note, it was Friday the 13th today. Spooky, and no surprise, something bad happened today. I managed to get stuck inside a toilet stall at the mall. The maglock malfunctioned, and I was in there for nearly an hour before someone got the janitor to come and break the door open.

I went to Johan's place today, he's so increidibly cool! I can't believe how huge his apartment is! But, anyway, we talked about stuff, and I learned more about things. And I'm afraid you're getting no more than that, dear Diary.

Feb 11 2069

I saw Terry again today, at Pentabucks. But, I saw some other girl too. SHE got to introduce herself, and a bit more. I had to clear my throat to get him to pour me a coffee. So… I've been naughty. I had a tub of ice-cream to myself today, and spent a few hours on the 'trix. I deserve it through, I mean, the stuff I do… I wish, sometimes, I could just point at something, some host I've decked, and go, "That was me!" but, I know I can't.

I didn't do my exercises today, I'll do double tomorrow.

Feb 10 2069

I saw a super cute guy today! In the Pentabucks, I was getting my mid-mornign coffee and he was working there. He barely even looked at me, though. I think his name is Terry, that's what his name-tag said. I tried to start up a conversation, but he just ignored me. That puts a downer on things.

I was checking out that site again, today. That sells metacritters. I want one of those psychic cat-things, but its so illegal I'm kinda scared to try. They're so cute, though.
Didn't have time for execises today, I'll DEFINITELY start again tomorrow.

Feb 09 2069

Dear diary, This is my first entry! Well, ever since I lost the old one anyway. So… I met Johan again, today, and I think I'm finally, properly in his club. It's a little scary, but, I'm getting used to the idea of it. I don't know if the rest of the team like me, they seemed friendly enough… but, I'm never sure…

We had a good meal, at least, and it was a lot of fun. Even if everyone left without paying, while I was in the bathroom. I had to settle the tab! But I guess that's ok, I am the new kid after all.

Anyway… that's about it for today! Oh! I'll definitely start doing my exercises again tomorrow. I've put on two pounds this month, that's nearly half of what I lost last month already.

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